The Trial

I think I'm finally ready to write about it.  It's taken me a while as it's a big deal in a 'soon to be bride's' life.  The hair and makeup trial............

I was soooo excited going to my hair and make up trial last week. I had chose an 'Old Hollywood' look as I felt the need to have something 'special' done with my short hair.  I was thrilled as my best friend and MOH was able to come with me for support.

My hairstylist and I giggled with anticipation and proudness as she was going to, for the first time since hair school, do pin curls and I was so pleased with myself that I had a 'plan'.  Really, what did I expect - I am a planner....

2 hours later I left the salon a Myrna Loy (30's Queen of Hollywood) vision.  Hair styled, fake eyelashes, peachy cheeks and a grin ear to ear as I had been transformed.  As I arrived home I tried calling my mom a couple of times to see if she was available for me to show off my look.  No answer.  I then called my MOH to see if she was free (she had to leave early from the appt).  No answer.  I then called Mike to see if he could come home to see my hairstyle.  He answered however wanted it to be a surprise on the 'big day' so didn't come.  I then loaded the pics I had of my style onto the computer, washed my hair out, stripped the fake lashes off 1 by 1 and headed out for the evening.

When I got home later that evening, remembering that I left a pic on the computer desktop, I asked Mike if he had seen it.  He shook his head 'yes' and so I asked "Welllll, what did you think?"  The look on his face was the "I don't know what to say" look.  "It's different" he says.  So then I knew, he didn't like it.........

After a few minutes of him expressing that he wasn't sure how to put his feelings into words about the style - he has a "I've got it!" moment.  To sum it up:  he didn't like the slicked 1 side to my hair, didn't like the front as the 30's era is his least favorite of all eras, thought my clip was too big for the length of my hair, thought the makeup colors didn't suit me - touch too pale, and thought I looked too done up.

For a man who didn't have the words, he soon found them....

Shocked and disappointed - I appreciated his honesty.  Then I got upset.  Solely because the ONLY person I care who likes what I look like is HIM.  In my desperation I kept saying "what am I going to do now" (guess I don't like to divert from the plan..), "I have to start ALL over again", "I will have to spend another $120 bucks to get this done", "why didn't you tell me you didn't like the 30's style's"...  I'm sure I went on and on as I have a tendency to beat my thoughts into the ground and then step on them again.

Note:  In his defense, I never asked him if he liked the 30's idea in the 1st place.

After a panicked call to my mom about the hairstyle.  I soon realized that he wasn't the only one who wasn't a fan of the style.  I just kept thinking - how can I be sooo wrong about this!  I really wanted to have a unique and different style.  I really wanted to be glammed out as I figure this is my day to do it.  I really love the 'over the top' things.  Jewels, makeup, hair, dress, shoes....can't be too flashy.  Well folks - I guess it can...

My lessons:  Mike just wants me to look like me on our day.  I should be secure enough to get married looking like myself and not trying to be sooo different that my true self is masked with pin curls and false lashes.  I need a 'softer' look, natural and sophisticated.  NOT Reece Witherspoon in "Water for Elephants". 

So, I've decided to try a 2nd trial and to still have a uniqueness to my look just not too 'over the top'.  Glad I went to this trial and found out that it wasn't for me BEFORE the big day.  I'm sure (as Mike has told me 1,000,000 times after this whole schmazle) that he would like any look I have for the wedding but at least now I'll walk down the aisle as me and not Ginger Rogers.

I Finally Got A Score on 11.4

60.  My score on 11.4

After a scoreless 11.1,2 and 3 - it felt grreeeatt to finally get on the board.  11.4 workout was the following:

AMRAP in 10mins of
60 Bar bell burpees
30 Overhead Squats at 90lbs
10 Muscle Ups

As I knew that I can't do the 90lb overhead squats or muscle ups - I set my goal to do the 60 Burpees.  I emailed a trainer the night before I did the workout to schedule a judge (couldn't go at the normal competition time) and stated my goal to him.  I thought I might as well get it down on paper so that I can't chicken out or give up when the goin' get's tough.

Again, I didn't get to experience the group competition atmosphere as I was the ONLY one doing this workout on this day.  The newbies were learning their skills and I was in the corner sucking wind trying to get the 60 burpees.  I did.  In 8:08mins.  I dragged myself to the nearest bench and then the judge says "get to your overhead squats".  I thought - NO WAY - as it wasn't part of my plan but in true Crossfit style - it ain't over till the time's up!  I lifted a 55lb bar overhead and legs gave out (fatigue) and I crashed to the floor.  The judge encouraged me to go again and this was about the time I started getting pissed.  I got the bar overhead, did 1 1/2 squat, where I then hear him say "lower Steph" and then "30seconds!".  Maybe it was anger, maybe adrenaline but the last one I did I got to full depth.

I was never so happy to hear "TIME!!"

So there, I did it.

MISSING:  Stephanie's Spunk and Vigor
If found, REWARD:  A SMILE :)

I've been struggling lately to find my true self.  I'm lost in a sea of tasks, appointments, meetings and fatigue.  I miss myself - the positive, energetic, happy go lucky, bounce in my step, sway in my hips, person.  I've turned into a tired, bags under the eyes, somewhat touchy, uninspired Stephanie. Boooourns!

I guess months of working nonstop has caught up to me. It happens to me every year though - this year feels worse but that's just probably because I'm here now.  I need some inspiration and sunshine in my life. 
That's it!!  It's probably the lack of bright sunshiny days!  Eureka!

I need to figure out a way to fulfill my workaholic desires AND stay healthy and energetic.... Believe me, I'm not really complaining - just a little.  I love my life and I can say I've been honestly living.  I have the bags to prove it!

11.3

 

The above picture is one of my 15 attempts to squat clean and press 110 pounds for the Crossfit Open Competition - workout 11.3.  The workout was a "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) for 5mins.   My total score was 0.

And here's the details.

As a registered competitor for the Crossfit Open, I have completed 0 workouts to date (out of 3).  Mike registered me to compete as I tried the 1st workout in a regular class and got through it.  My goal for this competition is to get a score on the board.  I have 3 more chances to achieve this goal.  

When this workout was released on Tuesday night, I knew that it would take a miracle for me to achieve a rep.  My PR to date was 55lbs so this weight would be double what I have proven I can do or have even attempted.  From Wednesday till this morning, I contemplated even trying it.  Who do I think I am thinking I can achieve this?  To be honest - I was 'iffy' as to what I believed.  It's hard to know what you can do when you've never tried.

Sheepishly I joined the other competitors this morning hoping I would blend into the back ground while we were warming up.  I had a little confidence boost when another female had already tried this workout and didn't achieve a rep so I thought "well at least I won't be the only one".  During the warm up phase I squat cleaned and pressed 65lbs - a new PR for me.  I went over to the 110lb bar and attempted a high pull to 'get the feel for it'.  As I found the deadlift/high pull tough - I instantly knew - this would be the most challenging thing that I've done in a looonnnnggg time!

Watching the more experienced Crossfitters do this workout and seeing some achieve awesome results and others struggle, my confidence started to fade.  I also noticed other regular Crossfitters looking on and cheering - most stronger than me.   As one lady asked me if I wanted to go in round 2 I declined and decided to go in Round 3.  Little did I know, I was the ONLY one to go in Round 3.  

I started with the judge and Mike by my side as the rest of the crew cleared out.  Some deciding to tackle the regular WOD and others calling it a day.  Fading into the background strategy worked, however it was a different feel to be on my own and not have the energy behind me of the rest of the group.

I attempted 15+ squat cleans and time after time failed just as I tried to get my elbows and body under the bar.  At one point I said "I can't" to where the judge said "Don't say that word - you just didn't do it this time, doesn't mean it won't happen...".  Great advice.

I was frustrated as I came on to minute 3 and then felt this incredible urge to keep going.  At the end, I had a touch of embarrassment as I received a 0 and wished I had gone with the rest of the group so that I had the enthusiasm around me.  

I knew I wasn't ready for the weight today but I'm of the mindset that it's better to try and fail then to not try at all.  After the 110lb attempts, I stripped off some weight and set a new PR of 85lbs squat clean.

Well, I chalk this one up to "at least I tried" motto.  Better luck next time. But I did raise my PR by 30lbs. Success I say!

"Try and fail but don't fail to try" - Stephen Kaggwa

Countdown to "I Do"

Yesterday marked 2 months until I say "I DO".  It's hard to believe that I'll be a married woman in less than 60 days.

I've dreamt all my life about being married.  Not the wedding.  In fact, I never visualized the event.  Had no clue as to what 'colors' I'd like or what my dress would look like, really none of the details were visualized - so the process has been interesting for me.

Bought my dress in Vegas - 2nd one I tried on.  Makes it easier when you don't have a 'vision' in mind to try to live up to.

Decided to go with an 'enchanted forest' theme as I saw it in a magazine right after we got engaged.  Visualize trees, flowers,  and of course, touches of bling.  Looks good to me....Check!

Luckily my mom is crafty and so I've left most of the creative vision to her.  Again, helps when you don't have a 'vision' to live up to.  Do you want pink, green?  She'd ask.  Whatever you think looks good Mom...  Might be challenging to her but easy for me:)

What I have visualized is having a husband who's my life partner and best friend.  With Mike I've never had to lower my expectations in our relationship.   In fact, I believe he's exceeded every one.  He's been a best friend to me, he's kept me 'in check', he expects more from me (that I could expect from myself), he pushes me to be 'better'.  He's broke me out of the samey, samey and into the seeittryit lifestyle - which is quite funny as he was used to living samey, samey before meeting me.  Funny how the right 'one' can do that to you...

I can say, with 100% certainty, that he is the right one.  I can't wait to May 29th (day after we're married) to officially start our life together.

Ok, I know, GAG!  :)

The Golden Feeling

What can I say - it feels really good to finally win.

This past weekend myself and the Synchro Team were in Toronto competing at the Eastern/Atlantic Divisional Meet.  We had set a goal of improving from the last performance they had.  We were up against a Quebec Team that, from watching them in practice, looked good.  So as any coach would, I decided that we had to "kill it" and aim for improvement.  The rest should fall into place.

As the Quebec team swam, I watched in amazement at some of their interesting choreographed moves.  I noticed synchronization errors and hoped the judges weren't going to enjoy their 'clean' looking performance over our 'intense, splashy (ier) routine. 

As the girls lined up, I was already proud of them.  They looked great, appeared confident and energized.  What more could I ask for.  In my mind, we had already won.

The girls swam a lovely performance - they came to compete.  Patterns that I had never seen on were on, energy that I didn't know they had came through. We had just made changes to the routine and the girls swam these sections like they had been doing it for months. 

As we waited for our marks, I was smiling ear to ear as I knew they had done their best.  As the scores were being read, I couldn't believe my ears....69.712 overall.  Our goal was to improve upon the 64 and change that they earned at Games.  5 points higher - Amazing.  I could then hear screaming from the stands and as I turned around, I knew we won.  The parents and other coaches were on their feet so proud and ecstatic. 

"We won!"  I yelled to the girls who were swimming over to the side, unaware of their achievement. 

I have been waiting for this feeling for a long time.  It was so sweet.  Mainly because I wasn't expecting it and  because the girls were so innocent in their win.

Congratulations to the athletes and coaches who worked so hard to get these girls to this point.  Bravo!

Heart Chi

Yesterday as I was laying on the acupuncturists table, while checking my pulse he states "Your pulse is slow".   "Oh yeah" I respond "What's that supposed to mean?".  "Well, means your Heart Chi is weakened" (as he pounds his chest).

Heart Chi - well that's a new one....

He then begins to check the 'points' for tenderness and I appeared tender all over.  He then asks me "Have you been working out a lot lately?".... I did just put in my 2 best weeks at CrossFit (5x/week).  "Yes".  "Well Stephanie, it shows" (by my pulse rate).  Happy that 'it showed' but concerned about my 'weakened heart chi' I lay there trying to take it all in....

As he began putting the needles in - to some new places - he went on to discuss that my heart is tired.  How depressing.   The 10x of intense CrossFit, coaching full time, pole dancing, working full time, wedding planning, meetings, etc has left my heart tired.  For fertility reasons he says "I got to tone it down".

BALANCE or lack thereof - seems to be a recurring theme in my life.

I knew I was getting to the 'burn out' stage of my year as I have been extremely fatigued (tired heart).  I was going to bed at 9:00pm and getting up at 5:15am still tired.  I would be sluggish through my day.  My patience was compromised.  I have bags under my eyes.  With all of this my muscles have felt much better.  Soreness decreasing, strength I didn't know I had. 

As I arrived home yesterday from my appointment, I was sad.  My heart chi was low, I love the high intensity.  It's addicting.  But in premature ovarian failure recovery (if there is such a thing) it's not as great as I thought.  I risk throwing my cycle completely off if I don't 'tone it down'. 

Thanks Daniel for looking out for me - it was a friendly reminder that I was thankful to get.

So - he's not saying not exercise or do nothing - just switch up the intensity of my workouts and lifestyle.  If I'm going 'full tilt' in my regular life - may not be the best time to do the most classes I've ever done IF I want to reproduce.

I knew I was working hard but didn't realize my 'ticker can't take it'. 

The Dried Fruit Debacle

My Naturopath suggested dried fruit for a work time snack (as I snack A LOT at work).  In my committed, organic, gluten free, sugar free mind - I headed to Costco while in Halifax cheering on Team PEI Synchro (YAY team!) to purchase some bulk organic treats.  I came across a fruit and nut medley and in my naive mind I thought "dried fruit is dried fruit no worries here..." and purchased a huge bag for $13 and change.  $250.00 later - I had purchased enough snacks for at least 2 months.  Gotta love Costco!

My first day back to work from my mini vacay I hoed into the dried fruit.  It was glorious, drops of heaven in my mouth, chewy goodness, enough salt on the peanuts, the best raisins I've ever tasted.  Next day at work, same thing however I decided to share the wealth (sharing means caring..:) ) with my coworker.  More for me, some for him - I was so pleased bragging how tasty the fruit was and that it is good for you.  Day 3 - I got Mike to try some and he was super pumped on how awesome it tasted.  I again took a sandwich bag to work and a bag for my coworker - mouth starting to get sore from the fruity goodness - I soldiered on and consumed another big bag of the sweet stuff.

I arrived home from work that night and was talking about the fruit and nut medley again (should have at this point realized there was a problem) to Mike and at this point he says "it just can't be natural it tastes TOO good!".  Brushing him off in denial - I said - "Nope, it's ALL good!" and we went about our bizness.  About 15mins later, second guessing myself I went and checked the bag for the ingredients....


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!   I screamed.  It's FULL of sugar!!!   Mike says "I knew it!"

As I read through the ingredients, every piece of fruit had SUGAR as the second ingredient.....  I had been eating fake sugar (which I've been off since January 3rd) for 3 days in a row.  I had consumed a 1/4 of the bag and enjoyed every minute of it.

I immediately was overcome with emotion, tears welling up, and I was soooo disappointed in myself for not checking the ingredient list (as I do with all the foods I eat now) but realized it was an honest mistake.  I didn't mean to eat the 'forbidden' foods but it does go to show that the sugar has a hold on me.   The bingeing/self control went out the window, yet again, and I was a victim to the sweetness.

It's now gone out of the house and I can say I'm happy.  The bag was staring me down day after day taunting me but I didn't give in.  This is my life.  Every meal is a choice and test of will - it's exhausting.